Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.”

“What's another word for Thesaurus?”

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

“There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.”

“When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.”

“George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.”

“It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.”

“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”

“I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.”

“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”