Steven Wright

“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”

“I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.”

“I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.”

“Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.”

“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.”

“What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.”

“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”

“I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.”

“I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.”

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'”

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”

“I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”