Rodney Dangerfield

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”

“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”