Rita Rudner

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'”

“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”

“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”

“I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.”

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

“Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.”

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

“I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.”

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”