Erma Bombeck

“Never order food in excess of your body weight.”

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.”

“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”

“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”

“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”

“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.”

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”

“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”

“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”

“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”

“I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.”

“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”