Joan Rivers

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

“I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.”

“With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.”

“I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.”

“Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.”

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”

“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”

“I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.”

“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”

“Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.”

“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”

“Never floss with a stranger.”

“I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.”

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.”