Groucho Marx

“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”