Woody Allen

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.”

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

“To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”

“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”

“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”

“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”

“Marriage is the death of hope.”

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”

“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”

“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

“I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”