Ogden Nash

“Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?”

“Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.”

“Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.”

“There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.”

“The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.”

“I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.”

“Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.”

“Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.”

“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”