Mark Twain

“Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.”

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

“I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'”

“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”

“Prosperity is the best protector of principle.”

“It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.”

“All generalizations are false, including this one.”

“To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.”

“Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.”

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”

“The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.”

“Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.”

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”