Les Dawson

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.”

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

“Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'”

“When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.”

“The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'”

“The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.”

“My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'”