Henny Youngman

“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”

“When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.”

“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”

“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?”

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”