Fred Allen

“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

“Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.”

“The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.”

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

“I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.”

“An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.”

“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”

“All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.”

“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.”

“We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.”

“My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.”

“I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.”

“Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.”