Dave Barry

“Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.”

“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.”

“Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”

“Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.”

“The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.”

“I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.”

“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.”

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.”

“The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.”

“The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.”

“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.”

“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”

“The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.”

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”

“I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.”

“Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.”