Will Rogers

“We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.”

“Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.”

“If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.”

“The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.”

“The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.”

“Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.”

“Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.”

“There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.”

“America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.”

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

“Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.”

“There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

“We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?”

“A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.”

“It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.”

“Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.”

“Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.”

“Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?”

“Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.”