Robert Orben

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.”

“The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.”

“To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.”

“Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.”

“In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.”

“Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.”

“Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”

“I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.”

“Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.”

“Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.”

“Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.”

“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”